Tears of Hope
by Pharsti
Summary: Development on Asuka and Shinji and their relationship throughout the series.


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Disclaimer: Evangelion is copyright of GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.

Note: You would have to have watched the series and movies to make any sense out of this...

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Tears of Hope

By: Pharsti (pharsti11@hotmail.com)

The front door of the Katsuragi residence shoved open with a whoosh. 

"We're home!" The two people entering called in unison.

"What's up?" Came the half-hearted reply from further inside the appartment. 

A somewhat happy looking boy walked through the door into the hall, kicking off his shoes as he went. He was followed by a tired looking, purple haired woman. Dropping her car keys on the shoe cabinet she intended to go straight to her room to get some much needed sleep, but of course, not before making a pitstop at the fridge for a fresh six-pack of beer. 

Were it not that while crossing the living room to the door of her bedroom, she was stopped by a red-haired girl laying belly down on the ground watching tv. She was supporting herself with her elbows on a beanbag wearing her usual sleeping clothes, an oversized yellow t-shirt and blue shorts. Next to her a penguin seemed to be sound asleep, laying on its back with its head on the same bag.

"Why are you so late? You could've at least called that you weren't gonna be here for dinner!" Asuka said sounding quite annoyed.

"Sorry, but I was stuck at headquarters with a shitload of protests, bills and damage reports to go through, and getting Shinji released from the infirmary was harder than expected... Anyway, you did order take-out didn't you?"

She sighed. "Yeah I did... Could've at least left a message or something though, I might've starved to death."

"You're old enough to take care of yourself." Misato stated. "I'm going to bed now, don't stay up too late."

"I'm old enough to take care of myself remember," She said sounding annoyed again, "you just said so yourself."

"Oh, right... Well, anyway, good night Asuka." The tired woman said, retreating to her room.

"'Night." She called after her.

"Good night, Misato-san."

Shinji said cheerily as he entered the living room. Asuka rolled her eyes. He had just been released early from the infirmary at Nerv headquarters a few hours ago, thanks to Misato's persuasion skills.

"Good night, Shinji-kun." She replied, closing the door to her room.

"Good night Misato-saaan." Asuka said to him, mocking Shinji as she imitated his voice, making it seem three times as whiny. 

She frowed as she noticed he was ignoring her, setting himself cross-legged on the floor a good few feet away from her for his own safety.

"You're always such a do-goody at home, so why did you ignore orders anyway?"

"... I don't know..." Came his usual response.

Asuka scowled. "You don't know? What are you, stupid!? You got your ass in trouble because of that! Don't you ever dare to do that again." She spat out.

"...Why?" Came his reply.

"Why?!" He suprised her with his stupidity. "Because, you're not nearly as good of pilot as I am, and you were like this close to dying inside that thing!" She held her thumb and index finger half an inch apart for emphasis.

"Oh... Yeah, I guess..." He moved his eyes away from her glare, and focused them on the tv.

Asuka snorted, and resumed watching the cheesy soap-opera. Shinji wasn't paying attention to it though, he seemed lost in thought. After a few minutes, he shifted his gaze towards the ground.

"Like you'd care anyway..." He muttered under his breath, inaudible to Asuka. Or so he thought.

"There's lots of people that care about you Shinji," she blurted out, not really thinking, "Wondergirl couldn't wait to go into your hospital room to sit by your side, so stop being so depressing for once."

Shinji jerked his head towards her, a combination of shock and suprise plastered on his face. "Mm... But I wasn't talking about other people." He turned his gaze to the floor again.

Asuka chose not to answer to that, instead remaining her focus on the tv. After a few minutes of silence she spoke up again.

"So how was it?"

"Hmm? How was what?" He asked, honestly not knowing what she was talking about.

"What are you, stupid? Inside the Angel of course!"

"Oh, that... Well," He turned his gaze to the wall, no, through the wall, a faraway look on his face, "I don't really remember what happened exactly... It was just a deathly white neverending space of nothingness. And it was cold too." He paused for a few seconds, then continued. "It might sound strange but... I think I died... But then my mother was there, and it was like she gave me back my soul... or something..." He told her, unconvincingly to even himself. 

Asuka had an amused grin on her face. "So what you're saying is... You died, and then your mother who has been dead for who knows how many years suddenly appeared inside your Entry Plug, of all places, and brought you back to life!?"

Asuka was unable to hold her grin much longer, and soon enough burst out in laughter, rolling over the floor, clutching her stomach.

"Hahahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!! Shinji, you really are an idiot!" She managed to get out, pointing her finger towards him.

Shinji had a smile on his face too. Sadly, it was somewhat of a rare sight to see the fiery redhead full-heartedly laughing the way she was now. He enjoyed seeing her like that, even if it was at his own expense.

"Well, I guess that was just a dream then. But it just seemed so real..."

"What-ever. I'm going to bed." She said, after managing to calm down a bit.

She got to her feet, and walked in the direction of the bathroom. Shinji stood up too, but headed for the balcony to get some fresh air instead. He positioned himself leaning on the railing with his arms crossed, looking out over Tokyo-3. Two days after the Angel attack, the metropolis was once again bustling with activity. Thousands of lights were illuminating the buildings and streets of the city. The city he had to protect time and again. He started musing.

'Everytime... I suffer to protect this city... People I don't even know, and who don't even know me... Is that why I exist? Just to suffer for others?' He slightly frowned. 'For who do I exist?... Father? I thought I hated him, but now I'm not even sure... No, I definately don't exist for him.'

He switched his gaze towards the moon, brightly shining down on him. 'I have people that care about me. Should that make me happy? Should I be happy that I exist? Why aren't I happy now, then? Why is it tha-'

"Hey, what're you doing out here?" 

He nearly jumped out of his skin as Asuka had come up behind him, unnoticed by Shinji. She smirked to herself.

"N-Nothing." He faltered.

"Saying that just makes people even more curious you know." She walked up next to him, and put both her hands on the railing.

"Just thinking." He turned to look at the scenery again.

"What about?" She asked, sounding seriously interested.

"Just... about why I'm doing what I'm doing." He replied, not really wanting to start a conversation with her only to be made a fool of eventually. That was the way it always went.

She grumbled, starting to get impatient. "You're not being very clear Shinji. Spill it already."

Shinji realised he had no choice anymore now. "Well, umm... Like yesterday, for example. I mean... I could've just as easily been dead now. I just don't know why I'm still piloting."

"Are you gonna be like that again? I thought you already found your reason to pilot."

"At that time I was just happy because my father praised me for the first time in my life..."

"That's just a false happiness you know..."

"I think I now that now... Well, you once said that you pilot to prove that you exist... But why do you exist...?"

She pondered this for a moment. "... Maybe we live to find out the reason why we exist."

Shinji cast his eyes to the ground about twenty meters below. "But... I'm not even happy to be alive..."

"Oh, just stop being so depressing already! You ought to appreciate your good fortune of living with me and fighting beside me!" She snapped.

"S-Sorry." He stammered. She glared at him, but he wasn't looking. "Are you happy to live?"

"Of course I am!"

"But for who do you pilot then? For who do we exist?" He lifted his head to look at her.

Asuka was contemplating her answer.

__

Do you pilot Eva just for the praise of others?

She shook that thought out of her head. What would the First know, anyway? "I pilot for myself of course. I don't exist for anybody else, and I don't need anyone's approval either."

He looked out over the horizon again. "Am I odd to try to find a reason to fight? Am I not supposed to think about it?"

She frowned slightly. "Jeez, how would I know? Stop asking so many questions already! You should go to Wondergirl if you want a philosophy session." 

"Sorry."

"And stop that. Please." Asuka said, turning around. "I'm going to sleep." She took off, walking back into the appartment.

"Oh... Well, good night Asuka." He called after her.

"Yeah, 'night." She replied from inside.

Shinji turned back to gaze over the city again.

'Angels... Our enemy, that which threatens us.' He frowned. 'That's right, how can I be faulted for protecting my own life and those of others!?'

His expression turned neutral again. 'Because I pilot Eva, those people treat me well. I guess that is the reason I can exist. Right... I exist to pilot Eva.' He concluded.

He took a deep sigh. 'I'm tired. I'd better go to bed too.' With that, he moved back into the appartment, and into the oblivion of his room and SDAT player.

-----

The front door of the Katsuragi residence shoved open with a whoosh.

"I'm home." Came the tired, unenthusiastic call.

A gloomy looking boy walked through the door into the hall, reluctantly kicking off his shoes as he went. His shoulders were sagged deeply, as if he had the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. His head was hanging down, his eyes hidden beneath a shadow caused by his hair. He slowly stumbled through the hallway that lead to the kitchen, where a slightly irritated red-haired girl was waiting for him.

"So... They let you out of custody huh?" Asuka said, leaning against the kitchen table with her arms crossed under her breasts. She was wearing her regular white-green school uniform. "That wasn't very smart you know, threatening the Commander to destroy Nerv Headquarters like that."

"H-... He..." Shinji closed his eyes, forcing a lone tear to travel down his face to his chin, ultimately dropping down to the floor, hitting it with an audible 'plink' sound. 

"He f-forced me to kill... I... I almost killed my best fr-..."

His voice cracking, and unable to take it anymore, he stumbled over to Asuka, burying his face into her left shoulder.

The redhead's eyes widened and she slightly gasped in shock. She managed to resist her initial reflexes, that is to push this pervert away from her and slap him with all the strength she could muster. She surprised herself with her self-control since initially she was quite pissed, especially after having lost the last battle so easily. Instead, she stood still as a statue, silently observing the wimpy, frail boy that was clinging onto her shoulder for dear life. 

She was at a loss for what to do. On one hand, she was disgusted, afterall, she had taught herself that crying was for the weak, and she felt the need to physically beat that into him too. On the other, she had the urge to comfort this weak little boy, tell him that everything was all right. Deep inside, she knew Shinji wasn't weak, in fact, he was probably even stronger than her, he _had_ killed more Angels than her, and she didn't even last for ten seconds against the last one. 

She pondered several courses of action, eventually settling for putting her right hand on his back, while she let her left arm hang alongside her body, unsure of what to do with it. This experience was quite new to Asuka. She had never really had any real physical contact in her life, at least, none that she could remember. Of course there was Kaji, but that was different. This time, someone was clinging onto _her_, begging her for comfort.

For Shinji it was no different. His father abandoned him when he was four years old, and he had never been very close with his foster parents either. He had never thought he'd have the courage to jump into Asuka's arms like that. Let alone that she'd actually let him.

The wet stain that had started to form in the fabric of her blouse grew bigger by the minute. They had been standing motionless like that for at least five minutes now, the only sounds filling the appartment were Shinji's soft sobbing, the silent hum of the fridge and the slow, rythmic ticking of the clock on the wall.

After a while, his sobbing ended, his tears used up. He reluctantly forced himself free of her grasp, and stumbled over to the chair and sat himself down. Asuka still didn't move from her place as she silently leaned back on the table, placing both her hands on the table-top. She was staring at the floor, lost in thought.

After a few minutes, Shinji softly spoke up. "Sorry about that..."

Asuka slowly turned around, looking at him, their eyes meeting. Shinji's dark blue eyes were red and puffy from crying. "That's okay..." She replied.

Surely she couldn't get mad at him. He was forced to kill his best friend, even if it was that Stooge Suzuhara. She didn't like the boy, but she definately didn't wish him dead either. It had to be a horrible experience, for both of them. Touji had been extremely lucky to have survived, though it was at the cost of his left leg.

Shinji turned his gaze to the table, and frowned. "Dammit... My father, that bastard... Why... Why did Touji have to be the Fourth Child?"

Now that was something Asuka couldn't understand herself either. He had to be one of the dumbest people she had ever met. On some level she was actually glad it turned out like this, she didn't think she'd be able to live through it if the dumb jock would have been on the same level she had to train years for to get to. She quickly shook the cruel thought out of her head.

"He can never walk anymore now... All because of that bastard... I hate him..." 

Asuka sat herself down too, in the seat opposite of Shinji. She spoke up. "There are pretty good prosthetics nowadays you know... He'll be able to walk again in no time."

"Still... He loved sports, especially Basketball. He told me once that his dream was to become a pro one day... But now my father shattered it. Dammit! That bastard didn't have the right to do that!!" He emphasized his anger by slamming his fist into the table.

Asuka frowned. "Dammit Shinji, moping around like this isn't going to solve anything! This is a war, we have to forget little things like this and move on!!" She had regained her usual fieryness.

Shinji looked her in the eyes, slightly dazed by her sudden fit of rage. "I can't. I've already decided. I'm leaving."

Asuka violently stood up, her chair sliding back from underneath her. She leaned forward, slamming her hands onto the table, the cups and dishes that were located on it trembling from the impact.

"You're WHAT?!" She screamed, glaring at him as strongly as she could.

Shinji stood up. "I'm leaving. I've already been erased from the records, too." He turned to walk to his room.

Asuka quickly jumped in front of him, blocking his path, a venomous look in her eyes.

"You're not going anywhere! Don't you dare to abandon us now! Are you really that stupid not to have _any_ sense of responsibility?!" She fumed.

He sighed. "I'm not gonna do anything for my father ever again. Besides, you're a way better pilot than I am. You'll be fine on your own."

SLAP!

He jolted back from the force of the slap, rubbing his stinging left cheek.

Asuka was furious now. "That is NOT the point you fucking idiot! Of course I'll be fine on my own!!" Deep inside she knew she was lying.

Shinji started to get irritated himself too now, slightly raising his voice, and frowning. "Then what IS the point Asuka? Why do you even care so much anyway!?"

She was caught off guard with that, her eyes widening for a fraction of a second, and slightly hesitating. She recovered immediately, and went into an even more furious rage.

"Okay FINE, then GO!! Go and kill yourself for all I care!!" Shinji brushed past her. "But don't you dare to come back, because I'll never forgive you for this you hear me?! NEVER!!"

He had already closed the door to his room before Asuka finished. Once inside, het let out a deep sigh, and let himself slump down against the door. He was hugging his legs, his chin resting on his knees. Tears were threatening to form in his eyes again, but he bit them back.

Meanwhile, Asuka walked into her room, desperately trying to do the same thing. Unfortunately, she didn't have such luck, instead burying her face into her pillow, refusing herself to believe she was crying. Ten minutes later, she turned her head to the side.

"I'm pathetic..."

-----

The moonlight shone through the window of the room, creating an eerily blue-white light. An auburn haired figure sat on the bed next to the window, causing a long deformed shadow to form running from the bed over the floor to the wall. Somehow it seemed like a tornado had gone through the room. Broken cd-cases, combs, brushes and torn school books and magazines were all over the place. The shards of a broken mug were scattered over the floor.

Asuka was hugging her knees against her chest. Her soft breathing caused her body to slightly bob up and down. Other than that, time seemed to have come to a standstill in the room. She sighed.

'I'm worthless. My Eva won't move anymore... Why won't that damn doll move when I tell it to? That piece of junk just won't work!' She closed her eyes.

'But it's only junk because of what I've become... I'm the garbage now... I'm worthless, nobody needs me anymore...' Her eyes started to prickle.

'No! I won't cry anymore... I'm not so weak...' Her heart filled with disgust at the mere thought of crying again. She took a deep, ragged sigh.

"Mama..." She whispered.

Meanwhile on the opposite side of the hallway, a brown-haired boy was lying on his back, his hands beneath his head on his pillow. The room was illuminated by a single ceiling light hanging in the center of the room. He had to sleep in the window-less storage room, since upon her arrival, a certain redhead confiscated the room he used to sleep in, which happened to be the only bedroom in the appartment next to Misato's.

Shinji was endlessly staring up at the white ceiling. Images of Rei were forming in his mind. Her slapping him. Her smiling at him. Her blushing after he cleaned for her. And finally, her sacrificing herself for him by self-destructing her Eva. He winced.

'Ayanami... She died by saving my life... B-But why can't I...' He shook his shoulders, then his entire body, trying to form tears. 'Why can't I even cry anymore??'

After a few minutes, he turned around, and buried his head into his pillow. A few moments later, sleep overtook him.

Asuka clicked out her cellphone and violently hurled it across the room.

"Dammit!" 

She kicked away the small mirror that was conveniently located at her feet. It flew through the room and broke apart in a thousand pieces with a loud crash as it hit the door. She felt an immense satisfaction at hearing the shattering glass, but soon enough regained her angered self. Frowning, Asuka let herself drop back onto the bed. Lying belly down, she crossed her arms on her pillow and rested her chin on them.

'Dammit Kaji-san, where the hell are you when I need you? I don't want to be alone...'

A memory struck her.

__

You're still a child Asuka...

The image Kaji walking away from her, then Shinji appearing from behind him played back in her mind as it had several times before. It plagued her.

'Shinji... Why is it that idiot always there? Could it... No, it can't be!' She screamed in her mind. 'I don't need that wimp!'

The voice deep inside her head told her otherwise. But, as usual, she ignored it. What did it all matter anyway? The only one Shinji would go to is his little doll. But...

'That's right... That little bitch is dead, so I have him all to myself.'

A devious thought came to her mind but she quickly shook it away. But then, again, what would it matter? Her body had been soiled, her mind defiled... Nothing mattered to her anymore.

She turned herself around, staring at the ceiling. A few minutes later she got up and carefully walked across the room, making sure she wouldn't step on any shards of glass. Arriving at her door, she hesitated a few seconds before opening it and exiting her room.

Shinji awoke with a start as the door to his room was violently being shoved open. He groggily turned his head towards the invader, and slightly winced as he saw his roommate and fellow pilot standing in the doorframe. Because she wasn't wearing her sync-clips, some crimson colored strands of hair were covering parts of her face. She was wearing her usual yellow t-shirt and blue shorts. He immediately jerked up and sat upright on his bed.

"Asuka... What is it...?" He asked.

Asuka hesitated for a moment, looking down at the floor. She waged a war in her mind on whether to go through with this or not. She didn't exactly have anything to lose. Her pride and dignity were already taken away from her. She wasn't a child anymore either, and this is the kind of thing adults do. She could become just like Misato, then she'd have Kaji in no time.

But then, this was Shinji. Little wimpy Shinji. The boy she always made fun of and insulted. The boy without any sort of spine. The boy that always let himself get pushed around by other people, especially by her. He was the boy that would never do anything for her, never help her, he wouldn't even so much as hold her when they shared their kiss.

But, he was also the boy that risked his life to save her in the volcano. He did help her that time. Also, he would always cook, do the laundry, clean, and take out the garbage for her whenever she was too lazy to do it, which was quite often. And, she pinched his nose when they kissed. And considering her usual hostile attitude towards him, he was most likely too scared, or dense, to try anything.

Shinji was still waiting for her response. Getting none, he spoke up.

"If it's nothing, please leave me alone."

Broken out of her reverie, the redhead looked up into his dark, sea blue eyes. Frowing deeply, she marched over towards Shinji, who instinctively backed up a few inches.

"W-What're you-" 

He was interrupted as Asuka harshly pushed him back onto his bed, and straddled his waist. She was still frowning as she yanked his schoolshirt open, torn off buttons flying in several directions. Roughly removing the piece of cloth from his body and throwing it into a corner, she took off her own shirt and threw it onto the floor, her bra now the only thing left covering her chest, leaving very little to the imagination. Narrowing her eyes as she noticed Shinji was looking away, she grabbed his wrists and harshly pinned them to the bed. Her hair cascaded down onto Shinji, tickling his bare chest.

She grumbled. "What the hell are you doing?! Look at me goddammit!" 

Shinji didn't move. He couldn't move. He couldn't do this with her, he didn't have the right to do this with her. Besides, she was probably just using him anyway. It was probably all just some sick kind of joke. After all, she said she hated him, so how could she possibly be serious about this? She was most likely just confused, just like Misato had told him she was. She didn't know what to do anymore. She was just like him.

"I know you have perverted fantasies about me, so why don't you do it now like you always do, I'll even watch!" She screamed.

Slightly cringing at first, he slowly turned his head to face her, but his eyes soon got distracted, and eventually he couldn't help but stare at her nearly exposed chest.

Asuka narrowed her eyes. "Well, I've never seen you stare at flat-chested Wonderbitch like that..." She said slyly, then smirked internally over her inevitable victory over the First.

"Don't call her that." Came his soft, but menacing reply.

She was taken aback by that comment. Even after she died, he still...! Soon regaining her usual, angry self she leaned in towards Shinji, their faces mere inches apart. Her eyes were flaring with anger, and she tightened her grip on his wrists.

"Listen to me here Shinji, the First is dead! DEAD!! Your fucking doll isn't here for you anymore to do whatever you tell her to do! And what the hell about me!? Don't you..." She hesitated for a second. "D-Don't you... Didn't anything we went through mean anything to you?"

Now it was Shinji's turn to be taken aback. She didn't really... No! I'm just a sly and cowardly wimp. Of course she doesn't really... He looked in her eyes again. She looked desperate. Desperate as if her life depended on his answer.

"Don't you even... like me?" She pleaded.

Shinji was shocked to see her plead to him like that. In the six months they already lived together, he had never seen his fellow pilot like this. Of course, he wanted to say it. He wanted to reveal his feelings towards her so badly. His mouth moved up and down, trying to form the words, but they just wouldn't come out.

"Even after she's dead, you still like her better than me, don't you!?" Her anger started to increase again.

Finally, Shinji managed to softly stammer his reply. "B-But... I like you too, Asuka." 

Asuka blinked a few times, before the answer finally sunk in. She couldn't believe what she just heard. Even after her death, she still kept losing to that damn doll. She frowned deeply, venom in her eyes.

"You like me _too_? Even when she's dead, you still like that little bitch!? Well let me tell you something Shinji... If I can't have you all to myself, I don't want you at all!!" She hissed.

"Then why aren't you being kind to me?" He responded calmly.

"What are you, stupid!? Of course I'm not! You're always such a do-goody, living on sympathy of others!"

Am I?

"Always pretending that you're sacrificing yourself for the sake of others is just another cop out isn't it!?"

Is it? But aren't you...

"You love having others depend on you! It really satisfies your twisted little mind!"

That could be...

"It makes you feel so superior to play the martyr!"

Maybe it does... But don't you do the same thing?

"You know damn well that you're doing everything just for yourself!!"

Maybe that's true... You told me you existed just for yourself too... We're the same...

"Goddammit, it drives me crazy whenever I so much as look at you!!!"

"Because I'm just like you?"

Asuka jerked backwards, her eyes widening and slightly gasping at his mellow reply. It hit her like a wrecking ball. She was just like Shinji. Stupid Shinji. All the things she loathed about him... She had been doing all those things all this time now. She hated him... But she hated herself for all the same reasons.

She looked down at her exposed chest. What the hell am I doing? Her body may had been soiled... But no way in hell would she give it to a person just as loathsome as herself. 

In a sudden fit of rage, she did the first thing that came to mind.

SLAP!

The force of the impact caused Shinji's face to jerk to the right, the furious redhead's right palm imprinted in his left cheek.

"Stupid Shinji, I hate you! I HATE YOU!" She screamed.

Yanking herself from the bed and grabbing her shirt from the floor, Asuka angrily walked to the door. Opening it, she took a last glance at Shinji over her shoulder. He had turned on his side and was trembling slightly, some soft sobs could be heard.

"How disgusting..." She muttered, then walked out and closed the door.

Meanwhile, Shinji was rubbing his sore wrists and was trying hard.

'Why... Why won't the tears come anymore...'

Exhausted, he closed his eyes and soon sleep overtook him.

-----

Shinji was sitting on his bed, his back against the wall. He was succumbing to the music that gently made its way from the SDAT player, through the earplugs to his ears. The entire Katsuragi residence was quiet. Misato was almost never at home, and if she was, she'd lock herself up. And ever since the incident with Asuka, she hardly ever left her room too.

The Second Child had used him, not even caring about his feelings. After everything that had happened before, he had never expected her to just use him like a tool, just like his father did. He was getting tired of being used.

There was nobody left he could turn to anymore. Rei was dead, Touji and Kensuke moved away somewhere since their houses were destroyed in the blast. And Misato... had already used him too. She projected all her hopes and dreams on her tool to avenge her father. It was only a matter of time until she'd do it again.

He was getting so tired of it all, but he couldn't even cry about it. He was sad, but the tears just wouldn't ever come anymore.

The song ended, the track switching to 25. Growing tired of the same music droning in his ears for hours long now, he removed the earbuds and moved his head up, staring at the same, never changing ceiling. Some muffled sounds could be heard further in the house, then Misato's voice, calling something to Pen-pen. 

He sighed as he heard footsteps approaching his room.

"Shinji-kun, can I come in?" She called from outside the door.

Receiving no answer, she slowly shoved the door open. Walking over, she sat herself down on his bed next to him, her hands resting on her knees. Shinji was the first to speak up.

"Misato-san, I don't have any tears... I feel sadness, but the tears just won't come."

"... Shinji-kun... This is all I can do for you right now..." she said hesitantly, then slowly moved her left hand over to Shinji's right. 

"Stop it!" 

Barely even touching his hand, he jerked it away and rolled himself over. His back turned to her, he buried his face in his arms.

"Stop it, Misato-san..."

"I'm sorry..." She said as she lifted herself from the bed and slowly made her way out of his room. After waiting for his door to close, he pulled his legs up onto the bed and curled himself into a fetal position.

'No... Never again, such an experience... I don't want to be used anymore...'

Meanwhile outside his room, Misato was thoughtfully looking down. 'Surely he must be lonely... Maybe he fears women?' She slightly frowned. 'No... I guess he's just afraid of affection in general...'

She walked over to the living room, spotting Pen-pen on the floor watching tv. Crouching down, she called out to him.

"Pen-pen, come here." she called playfully.

The warm-water bird lifted his head to look at his caretaker for a moment, then resumed watching the show, ignoring her. Misato had a saddened expression on her face.

'I see... Anybody will do for me, I guess I'm the one that's lonely...'

After a few minutes, she stood up and headed for her room. Walking over to her desk, she sat down and played back Kaji's last words to her, which had to be for the thousandth time now, hugging the answering machine to her chest. As the message ended, she buried her face in her arms.

"Kaji-kun... I'm really pathetic, aren't I?"

There was no reply.

-----

It was another hot day in Tokyo-3, or what remained of it. It was also another quiet day in the Katsuragi household, or, what remained of it. The Third Child was in the kitchen preparing coffee for himself. The kitchen was messy to say the least. Dirty dishes from weeks ago were piling up since nobody really bothered to wash them up anymore. The cabinet on the other side of the room and the fridge were littered with alcoholic beverages like they always were, but now they were never used anymore.

Ever since Kaji died, his guardian gave up alcohol completely, instead switching over to coffee. He often drank along with her, since she always made way too much for just herself. Because of this, Shinji had started to grow a liking towards the brown liqiud. He was idly fumbling with the coffee machine, filters, water, a cup and the coffee itself.

His recent experiences were bizarre to say the least. At first he had been informed that Rei was still alive. He had rushed to the hospital, only to find out the blue-haired enigma didn't even recognize him anymore. Later that day, Ritsuko showed him and Misato the horrifying truth about her. Needless to say, he had way too much on his mind, disabling him to really concentrate on the task at hand.

Finally, after nearly ten minutes, it was all set. Turning on the power switch, the machine started its rythmic pruttling. Sighing deeply, he stumbled over to a chair and plumped himself down. He crossed his hands in front of him forming a bridge, his forehead resting on it. After a few minutes, he began contemplating the recent events.

'Ayanami Rei. She's... Not even human... How could such a thing be?'

*pruttle*

'And there's that feeling about her, almost like my mother...' He frowned.

*pruttle*

'Ayanami... Mother... What the hell are you doing with them, Father?'

*pruttle*

'Misato-san hasn't been home for days. And Asuka... She doesn't even come out of her room anymore...'

*pruttle*

'She hates me... What have I ever done to her? Beat her test scores? I never even did that on purpose!'

*pruttle*

'She respected me because I was a pilot like her, and I always did my best... Why won't she ever treat me well? Why won't she ever be nice to me!?' 

He sighed and rubbed his temples, noticing that the machine had stopped emitting sound. Standing up, he absently placed the coffee machine onto the table, still somewhat lost in thought.

'Maybe she'd like some coffee... She only ever comes out of her room to eat or drink anyway...'

He pondered the idea. It was always uncomfortable whenever Shinji had made breakfast or dinner. Those meals were always eaten in complete silence on the part of Asuka. Shinji often spoke to her and asked her things, but she would never respond. She had gotten quieter than even Rei, especially since she found out said girl was still alive. They didn't go to school, since the school wasn't even there anymore. All families and kids still alive were transferred to Tokyo-2.

Making up his mind, he grabbed a second cup out of the cupboard. Slowly turning around, a memory struck him hard.

__

I HATE YOU!

Startled, he dropped the cup he was holding in his hands. It hit the kitchen floor with a loud crash, shattering apart in countless pieces. Shinji dumbfoundedly looked down at the sharves and sighed, his shoulders slightly sagging. He crouched down to his knees and idly went about picking up the larger shards. Dropping them into the trash bin, he cleaned up the rest using a brush and dustpan.

Trying to stay calm this time, he reached up for another cup. Grabbing it firmly, he took it out and placed it onto the table behind him. He smirked internally at his success in this simple task. Now for the hard part.

Shinji mustered all the courage he could find, and walked over to Asuka's door.

`Authorized Personnel Only. If you enter without my permission, you shall die!`

`Eintritt Verboten!`

The sign on her door was written in very sloppy Japanese and in very neat German, both equally hard to read for the average Japanese person. Hesitantly raising his arm, he knocked three times on her door.

"A-Asuka...?"

Not getting a reply, but hearing some muffled shuffling sounds from inside, he knocked again.

"Um... Asuka, I've made some coffee... Would you like some?"

He waited for a few minutes. Not getting any reactions, he lowered his head in defeat and slowly walked back into the kitchen.

He took the coffeepot out of the machine. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, the sound of a door being violently shoved open cut through the silence in the appartment. Shinji cringed slightly, spilling some coffee on the table.

Quickly grabbing a rag, he cleaned up the spilt liquid just as Asuka walked in. She eyed him for a moment, then grabbed the cup he had initially prepared for himself. Not saying a word, she sat herself down in a chair and started sipping slowly from her coffee.

Shinji was quiet too. He wanted to say something, to just talk to her, but he couldn't find any subjects to talk about. Besides, she would most likely ignore him again anyway. Walking over to the sink, he turned on the faucet and washed off the now stained rag. He took a glance at Asuka over his shoulder.

She didn't look good. Her once fiery red hair was ruffled and unkempt, the result of not having washed or brushed it for at least a week. Slight cavaties were forming in her cheeks, since she barely ate anymore. Severe lack of sleep caused her eyes to be reddened, slight bags visible underneath them. Also, the shirt she was currently wearing was wrinkled and shabby-looking, apparantly not having been washed in weeks, and worn every day.

He quickly jerked his head back, concentrating on the task at hand instead. The rag had been clean for a while now, but he was too occupied with the war he was waging in his head. He wanted to help her, to be there for her like she was there for him after the incident with Touji. But she hated him. She said so herself didn't she? But... She was exactly _like_ him. She was going through the same thing, namely the curse that is Eva. He could understand. He could help her, and she could help him back.

He took another glance at her. Asuka was holding the cup of warm coffee in both of her hands. She was dejectedly looking down into it, watching the slow, rythmic rippling of the miniature waves in the brown substance. She shivered. The girl formerly known as pilot of Evangelion Unit-02 was looking so frail, a mere shadow of her former self.

Unable to see her like that anymore, Shinji made a decision. Closing the tap, he dropped the rag into the sink and made a few steps towards his roommate, his hesitation increasing as he came closer to her. Asuka didn't react to him, instead placing back the cup and resting her arms crossed in front of her on the table. She lowered her head even further, crimson bangs covering her azure eyes. Shinji spoke up.

"A-Asuka... I... I want to help you..."

"..."

"So, tell me, please... Tell me how I can help you..."

"...Well then, don't do _anything_. Just don't come near me anymore. Because all you ever do is hurt me." She answered softly.

Shinji put his right and left hands on the table and the back of Asuka's chair respectively, leaning his face closer to hers. "But... I think I can help you... I think I can understand..."

Asuka slightly tilted her head and glared at him, a venomous look in her eyes. If looks could kill, Shinji would've been dead by now.

"No, you don't understand anything!" She said standing up, grabbing Shinji by his collar and pulling his face towards hers. "Don't you ever come close to me!!" She hissed, her eyes flaring.

He backed up as the infuriated redhead released her grip on him. Shinji's hand started twitching slightly. "But I do understand, Asuka!"

"No you don't, you damn idiot!" She snapped, kicking him hard against his leg. "You really think you understand me!? You think that you can help me? That's nothing but your conceited ego! You could never understand me!!" She screamed.

Shinji winced, his fist now clenching tightly shut. "How can I understand if you never say anything? You never talk to me, you never tell me anything, how can I understand!? It's impossible!!" He yelled back at her.

She frowned. "Why the hell would I talk to a spineless jerk like you!? You can't do anything! You can't help me! You're no real man, you're just a fucking wimp! Why don't you just go back to your precious doll!"

"I'm in the same situation as you are Asuka! I'm going through the same hell as you are! If I can't understand you, then who can!?"

"Kaji-san could! He's a man, unlike you are!!"

"Kaji-san is DEAD! How could you go to... to..."

Finally, he realized what he had just said. Asuka was staring at him with a shocked expression. Shinji cast his eyes down to the floor. After a few minutes, Asuka spoke up softly.

"...What?"

"He... Kaji-san is... dead... He's gone, Asuka."

The redhead started to get angry again. "What!? NO! Stop making up things like that!"

"Asuka... He's dead."

"Shut up! Stop lying like that! He just went off somewhere again, he's probably back by now! In fact, I'll call him right now!"

She turned on her heels and walked to the telephone in the hall, around the corner just outside the kitchen. Shinji helplessly listened to her dialing the number.

"... Asuka..."

//…beep… The number you have just dialed is no longer in service. Pleas-… // Click!

"Fuck!" 

The sounds of a telephone crashing through the hallway could be heard. Shinji slightly winced at the sound, even more as he saw a furious German approaching him.

"Where is he!? You know where he is! When is he coming back!? Tell me!" She snapped.

Shinji started to get annoyed. "Kaji-san is dead, Asuka! Dead!"

SLAP!

Shinji stumbled back from the force of the slap, eventually losing his balance.

"Stop saying such irresponsible things, stupid Shinji!!"

He hopelessly tried grabbing something to stop his fall, instead just hitting the coffee machine with his elbow in the process, taking it down with him. It hit the floor with a crash, hot coffee spilling over the floor and Shinji's right arm. Clutching his arm in pain, he screamed back.

"Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you!? Kaji-san is never coming back anymore!!"

"Lies..." She whispered disbelievingly. "Lies!" As she felt tears threatening to form, the confused redhead quickly ran back to her room.

"A-Asuka!" He called after her, refraining himself from following her. With a saddened expression on his face, he took a deep sigh.

'Dammit... Why won't she ever let me help her? Why won't she ever be nice to me?'

He sagged his shoulders. He sadly began cleaning up the mess on the floor, trying to get his mind off of things.

-----

The summer sun shone, its heat burning down on the ruins of the city and the newly created Fourth Ashino Lake, formerly known as central Tokyo-3. There were small waves softly rippling along the surface of the water, hitting the shoreline with soft rustling sounds, which could only barely be heard over the noise produced by the hundreds of cicada's that had survived the blast. 

A slender, redhaired figure could be seen on the shore, endlessly gazing out over the water. If it weren't for the soft breeze causing her long hair and school-uniform to stir slightly, people would have mistaken her for a statue.

Finally, after several long minutes, the girl lowered her head and moved her hands along her hair to the back of her head. Slowly clipping loose the sync-clips that held up her hair, the now free long strands of crimson came cascading down, some slightly covering her face. She wiped away the strands of hair that were awkwardly blocking her view with her left hand, holding both clips in her right. After sadly looking down at them for a few minutes, she frowned deeply.

'I won't be needing these anymore...'

Asuka thought, clenching her fist tightly around the red A10-connectors. She hurled them into the lake as far as she could. Hitting the calm water, small circle-shaped folds propagated in the plane surface of the lake. Grimly watching the minature waves dying down, she closed her eyes and turned around. A lone tear forced itself out of the corner of her eye, creating a wet streak along her cheeks, dropping down into the sand below. 

Recomposing herself, she stumbled away, her shoulders slightly sagging, into the ruins of some suburbs that were far enough from the blast not to be swallowed by the crater, but too close to come out unscathed. Exhausted from wandering around aimlessly for a week now, she stopped in front of a house that was still relatively intact. The windows had been shattered, so she could enter easily. She slowly scanned the house, spotting an old bathtub in the back.

'I haven't had a bath in weeks... It wouldn't matter anyway, my body has been soiled from the inside, I can't just wash that away.'

She sighed internally, then walked over towards the tub. Hundreds of shards of broken glass were scattered around it. Glancing upwards, she noticed the giant hole in the roof through which the sun was blazing. Some water was already in the tub, caused by the heavy rainfalls they sometimes had in the eternal summer climate of Japan.

'It's dirty... But I'm a lot more defiled than this now...'

She idly pulled down the red ribbon of the tie of her uniform, removing the knot. Taking it off, she folded it neatly and placed it carefully down on the small stool conveniently present next to the tub. She did the same with the rest of her clothing, taking utmost care that it wouldn't get wrinkled or dirtied. Completely stripped down now, she looked down at the neatly stacked pile of clothing, feeling some form of satisfation. Some form of order in the chaos of herself and everything around her.

'At least my clothes will stay clean...'

Stepping into the tub, she was surprised that the water was warm, apparantly heated by the sun. She carefully layed herself down on her back, her head limply hanging backwards, allowing her to gaze up at the azure sky.

'... Everything... Everything has been taken away from me... Papa, Mama... My synchro rate... My Unit-02... My position as a pilot... Kaji-san... Even S-... Shinji...' She bit back the tears threatening to form. 'I have no more value, I have nothing... Nobody cares about me anymore...'

Her chest was slowly raising and falling as she breathed. Except for the cicada's outside, all was quiet. After a few minutes of total silence, she slowly raised her right arm and let it hang over the rim of the bathtub. Running her hand idly over the sharves of glass on the floor, she fumbled for a piece of substantial size. Finding one, she picked it up and held it out in front of her.

The shard was about four inches in diameter. Tilting it slightly, she caught her own reflection lifelessly staring back at her. Her eyes widened slightly. She hardly recognized herself anymore. Instead she saw a lean, frail, weak little girl. The image burned into her mind. She hated it.

Moving it out of her sight, she hesitantly raised her left arm up a bit, positioning the sharp fragment against her left wrist. Pausing for a moment, she clenched her eyes tightly shut as she pressed it into the skin. Wincing in pain, she dropped the shard and let her left arm limply fall back into the water, followed by her right. 

Asuka was at the end of her strength. She glanced down. The water was growing red, her body growing cold. She was so tired of it all. Feeling the life slowly ebbing away from her, she took one last ragged sigh as she whispered.

"Synchro ratio zero. I can't be the Second Child anymore... I have no reason to exist anymore... Nobody cares about me, not Papa, not Mama, not anyone. There's no reason for me to keep on living..."

Awareness of her surroundings decreasing, she vaguely heard some distant crashing sounds. The male voice calling out her name was the last thing she heard before being swallowed by the black void of unconsciousness.

-----

Asuka awoke to the soft rustling of waves, rocking gently back and forth the beach. As she slowly tried to force her eyes open, failing with her left, she found herself lying on her back looking up at the stars in the night sky. The full moon shone brightly, the only source of illumination in the dark of the night. A band of red hung still in the air, crossing the sky from one horizon to the other. As she sat up, she glanced around, taking in the unfamiliar environment. And half a giant Rei head surfacing from the sea, its eye seemingly staring at her intently.

'What the hell is that!?... What happened? Where am I?!'

Scanning her surroundings, her eyes soon fell on the white monstrosity nailed onto a huge red cross sticking out of the crimson colored sea. She audibly gasped and her eye widened in horror as she suddenly remembered everything that had happened. Discovering her mother in her Eva. Fighting the JSSDF. Fighting a hopeless battle against the Eva Series, waiting for the invincible Shinji to come and save the day. He never came. He left her again. He left her to die. She died.

'Why am I still alive?' 

Remembering what the Eva Series had done to her she quickly glanced at her right arm and put a hand up to her left eye. 

'Bandages? Those are the places where I got hurt... But how did those get there?'

Asuka shakily stood up, once again looking around, spotting some wrecked buildings that used to be part of Tokyo-3. 

'Third Impact? So it actually happened.' She concluded. 

She started walking to the north along the shoreline, searching for any signs of life. Soon enough the redhead spotted the dozen or so curious looking poles, apparently made of burnt trees, standing upright in the ground. As she walked over to them, she caught a flash of light reflected by something on one of the poles out of the corner of her eye. Walking over to the source of the reflection, she recognized the object immediately.

'Misato's pendant?' Her gaze fell down to the ground. The name Katsuragi Misato was carved into the dark, scorched soil. 

'A grave? These are gravemarkers?' 

She walked along several other graves, looking to see which people they were designated for.

'Ibuki Maya, Aoba Shigeru, Hyuga Makoto... I know all these people...' 

As she kept on strolling, she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks in front of the grave bearing the name Horaki Hikari. 

'Hikari... She was my best friend, my only true friend really... why did she have to get caught up in this? Well, I guess by the looks of it, the entire world did...' She moved her head slightly upwards to stare out over the red sea.

'Damn you Shinji, if you would've come to save the day like you always did... Come to save me... all these people, all my friends, mama, the entire world would still be alive!!' Asuka frowned deeply.

"Stupid Shinji, damn you to hell!!" She screamed from the top of her lungs, to no one in particular. 

'Dammit, am I alone again? It certainly looks like it.' She shifted her gaze towards the giant Rei head. 'And what the hell is THAT anyway? It looks like the First... I knew she wasn't human.' 

She idly rubbed her chin as she podered this. 'Maybe Wondergirl caused all this. Maybe she's really some sort of Angel.' She slightly frowned at this thought. 'Hmmph, I wouldn't be surprised if that stupid perverted Shinji would've meekly gone along if his damn doll asked him to destroy the world.' She shook the thought out of her head.

'It's all Shinji's fault anyway. He killed Mama. He killed Hikari. He killed everyone with his reluctance to act. I hate you Shinji...' She gritted her teeth.

"I HATE YOU!" She added out loud.

After finally managing to recompose herself, the red-haired girl continued her path along the graves, taking in the names they belonged to.

'Aida Kensuke, Suzuhara Touji, Sohryu Asuka Langley, Akagi Rit-' She slightly gasped as realisation struck her. 

Grumbling, she raised her foot and kicked the pole to the ground with all her might, the already heavily burnt and weakened wood breaking in two in the middle.

"I'll never be killed by the likes of you." She muttered under her breath.

After finishing her walk around and having covered all of the graves, she never found the one she was looking for. Ikari Shinji.

'Shinji probably set up these graves. Which means that wimpy little boy is still alive...'

Deep inside she was glad he was alive, glad she wasn't alone, but she would never admit that to herself. Her heart was currently full of hatred towards the brown-haired boy.

'Dammit Shinji... The moment I see you I swear I'll-'

"A-Asuka?" 

As if on cue interrupting her musings, she heard the weak voice stammer her name. Turning around, Shinji and Asuka stood facing each other, a few dozen meters apart. Shinji had a disbelieving look on his face, then formed a big smile, while Asuka narrowed her eye.

"Asuka!? Is that really you?" Shinji hesitantly stumbled over to her. Increasing his speed, Asuka simply waited silently for him to come over, a slight frown on her face. As Shinji approached her he noticed the frown on her face deepening, and the venom in her eye increasing. He came to a stop in front of her. "Asuka, what's wro-"

SMACK!

Asuka didn't even bother to slap him anymore, instead she punched him square in the face. Shinji jolted back and fell down to the ground, rubbing his face with his hand, incredulously looking up at Asuka. 

"You caused all this didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?" She almost literally spat out the last part.

Shinji cringed. "I... I... Yes, I-It's all my fault..." His eyes were downcast. He couldn't bear to look at her face, too afraid of what he might find.

"Where the fuck were you when I needed you!? I was fighting out there, waiting for you to come, while you were sulking your ass off in some corner!!" 

"I-I'm sorry..." Immediately regretting his reply, he braced himself for the inevitible outburst.

Asuka almost started to laugh. "You're sorry? You're sorry!? You killed me, you killed my mother, you killed all our friends, hell, you killed off the entire fucking world, and all you have to say for yourself is you're SORRY!?" 

Shinji curled up into a ball and started sobbing softly.

"Stop crying you fucking wimp! Nothing will happen if you cry now! Crying is for weaklings!"

Pausing to wait for a reaction, she got none while Shinji kept sobbing to himself.

"Argh, why do I even bother! I'm leaving, and don't you DARE come after me!" She turned away from Shinji and started to walk away, when she heard some silent mutterings behind her.

"No... Please... I need you... Don't desert me... Don't leave me alone..." 

"Give me one damn reason not to." She turned her head to the right, carefully watching Shinji over her shoulder with her only eye.

Shinji tilted his head to look up at the redhead. He was at a loss for words. He couldn't think of a plausible reason for her to stay with him. His mouth opened and closed, trying hard to form some words, any words, to stop her from abandoning him.

"Hmmph. Didn't think so." For the second time she walked away from Shinji, who was still desperately trying to come up with something.

__

In other words, I love you.

The memory struck him like a thunderbolt. The way he felt after Kaworu had said that. He felt accepted. It were the nicest words ever spoken to him.

He darted up to his feet, and called after her. "B- Because..."

Asuka stopped in her tracks, this time not bothering to look at him. "Well?"

"Because... I... I love you... And... I want to stay with you... Forever..."

Time seemed to have come to a standstill as both Asuka and Shinji stood as still as statues, were it not for Asuka's long hair blowing in the wind. The redhead lowered her head a bit, seemingly lost in thought. All Shinji could do was stare at her back, hoping for the slightest bit of acceptation. After nearly half a minute, she finally spoke up.

"Liar."

The word came out softly, but menacingly. Shinji's hopes shattered in front of his eyes as Asuka slowly turned around, more venom in her eye than ever before. He slightly gasped, almost starting to fear for his life.

"Anybody will do for you," she paced forward towards Shinji, a murderous look in her eyes, "there is nobody around anymore to satisfy your fucking ego so you come running to me!"

"P-... Please... help me..." Shinji coudn't say more than that. Terrified, he started backing up as the infuriated redhead slowly kept closing in on him, invading his private space.

"You don't do anything for other people, you just sit there doing nothing, waiting for someone to bring you false happiness!!" Asuka, her volume increasing with every word, came dangerously close to him. But Shinji was nailed to the ground with fear, with being confronted with the truth.

"You've never truly loved _anyone_!!!" 

With that, she pushed him hard in the chest, Shinji's breath he had been holding until now being forced out of his lungs. He fell down to the ground, landing on his back with a loud thump.

"You only care about yourself, but you can't even like yourself!"

Asuka stood, disdainfully looking down at him. She didn't bother to lower her head towards him, instead keeping it at a normal horizontal angle, while her eye focused on Shinji with disgust.

"How pathetic."

Shinji was rubbing his back from his earlier fall when he raised his head, pleadingly looking up at Asuka.

"Please... Don't desert me... Please, stay with me!..."

"No." Came her cold reply.

Shinji frowned deeply, and barely managed to restrain himself from strangling her to death right then and there. Asuka turned on her heels, her long hair swaying up as she did so, and Shinji watched as her crimson hair cascaded back down on her shoulders and back.

He knew this would happen eventually. He knew he would be hurt again when he chose to return to this world. He couldn't move as he watched her retreating figure getting smaller and smaller, until she disappeared behind a wrecked building. He curled up, hugging his legs and planting his face in his knees. He tried to cry again, but the only thing he got were wretched sobs, still no tears, even after a thing like this.

After a few minutes of useless sobbing, Shinji slowly got to his feet, and made his way over to the pure white beach he woke up on a few days back. Gazing out over the sea, his eyes fell on the half-broken head of Ayanami Rei.

'Ayanami... Mother... Kaworu-kun... What should I do? Where should I go? I'm alone again... Everyone rejected me, deserted me... Why was I even born?...'

__

You just sit there doing nothing, waiting for someone to bring you false happiness!!

'But I can't give anyone true happiness Asuka... I'm just a burden on people. I'm worthless.'

__

No, you just believe that you're worthless.

'I exist only to pilot Eva Misato-san... That's why I was born... That's my only value... Now that the Eva's are gone, I have no more value... I don't have any reason left to live anymore...'

He let himself drop back to the ground, exhausted from the mental strain. Lying on his back he watched the stars in the night sky, the full moon shining brightly. He closed his eyes, trying to have pleasant dreams and hoping to never wake up from them. The soft rustling of waves, rocking gently back and forth the beach was the last thing he heard before sleep overtook him.

-----

Pock!

The small rock was violently kicked away by a fuming redhead. She was angrily marching through the abandoned streets of the once bustling city. Her rage was aimed to and caused by a certain brown-haired boy. He said he loved her.

'Hah! Don't make me laugh! Who the hell does he think he is anyway? Begging me for comfort with his pathetic lies!'

After a couple more minutes, she finally managed to recompose herself as she got tired of her fuming and striding. She sat down on a piece of wreckage. Having calmed down, she could finally start thinking rationally.

'Stupid Shinji, I don't need him, I don't need anyone! I'm an adult, I can live by myself.'

Looking around, she saw some heavily damaged houses and an abandoned mall in front of her, which was still relatively intact. It all sank in some more.

'Why is it that there is no one here, except me and Shinji anyway? How come we're the only ones still alive?'

A cold breeze was blowing. Asuka shivered slightly and hugged herself. She was cold, and the thin plugsuit didn't help her much with that either.

'Maybe Shinji knows something... He said it was his fault after all. Maybe I should've heard him out...'

It was too late for that now. She'd have to find out for herself. And she was getting hungry too. Standing up she walked towards the mall across the street. The window panes were all destroyed so she had no trouble walking in. Scanning the products while strolling through the lanes, her eye fell on all kinds of stuff she had eaten before in her stay in Japan. Shinji could make the best meals out of every single product.

'I'm thinking about that wimp again... I have to learn to stop doing that.' She stated to herself. 'There's nothing to eat here… Even instant meals are of no use, where would I get electricity to warm it up? Make a fire myself? But all the trees are already burnt... And I never learned any survival skills anyway. Maybe Shinji would-'

She mentally kicked herself again. Her train of thought kept coming back to the boy she had just abandoned. He looked so desperate too...

'Argh! No, I'm not going to pity him! Besides, he abandoned me too.'

Frowning, she walked back out of the mall. Spotting a small hill, she walked over to it. Standing on top of it, she could look over the sea. The color was red. She knew that the sea in Antarctica had turned red too because of Second Impact, so she reasoned it was some sort of aftereffect. But it almost seemed like... Blood...

_I have no more reason to live..._

Asuka winced as the painful memories struck her. The color was the same. She could recognize it like no other.

'How could I have ever done a thing like that... Nobody helped me... Nobody cared about me...'

_I want to help you... So, tell me, please... Tell me how I can help you..._

'Shinji tried... But I thought I didn't need him... I thought I could think for myself and live by myself... Is that what resulted of it?'

She sighed, raising her head to look over the horizon.

'I don't want to die. But I hate boys! And I hate Papa and Mama too! I hate everyone! Nobody cares about me, nobody will stay with me!'

_I love you... And... I want to stay with you... Forever..._

'But he wasn't even telling the truth... Was he? I don't want to depend on anybody, I want to live by myself... But I hate it at the same time. It's a pain!'

She raised her head up to the sky. 'I don't want to be alone... I don't want to be alone!...'

"I don't want to be alone!!" She cried out.

Determined, she turned around and walked back to where she initially came from, hoping it wasn't too late yet.

-----

Shinji slowly opened his eyes, waiting a minute for it to focus completely. He was looking up at the night sky and the band of red, which he assumed to be the souls of the people. Becoming aware of his current situation and what had just happened, he felt another fit of rage washing across his body. He had revealed his feelings towards the redhead, but she had shrugged it off like it was nothing, and even hated him for it.

Suddenly, a feeling hit him, that same feeling he always had inside Unit-01 and around Rei. That feeling... His mother... Slowly turning his head to the left, he wasn't surprised to see a blue-haired figure in the distance. He focused on the mysterious girl that was now floating several feet above the sea, never even noticing the red mass lying next to him. Eventually, she literally dissapeared in the blink of an eye.

He got up and sat up straight, again looking in the direction where Rei had just been. Finally, noticed the source of his initial rage lying next to him. What was she doing here? Why was she lying next to him? Did she come back? He pondered his next course of action. She hated him, didn't she? She was probably here just to hurt him even more. He wouldn't allow that to happen. He just couldn't take it anymore.

Slowly moving over to the redhead, he positioned his knees on both sides of her waist, hovering above her. He closed his eyes tightly and put his two hands around her neck, pressing his thumbs into her throat. Somewhat gently at first, but soon enough he used some more force. He let out some soft, exasperated sighs. He released all his pent up anger towards her in the form of choking her. The images from all the times she had made fun of him, rejected him or used him were swirling through his mind.

Suddenly, he felt something touching his cheek. Something soft. Something warm. His eyes shot open, and he saw his beloved reaching out to him, gently, almost lovingly caressing him. Her eye was still focused on the skies above them, but suddenly, something snapped inside of him. Releasing his grip on her neck, he broke down. All of a sudden, the tears he always wanted so badly, but never could form, were now streaming out of his eyes, streaming down his face like small waterfalls, falling down onto her cheek.

He was crying. Finally, he could cry. They weren't tears of pain, nor were they of joy. They were tears of hope. The hope that he could finally get accepted by the girl he wanted to be with forever. The hope that he could finally get something good out of his life. The hope, that he could finally discover the real reason why he was born.

Asuka's eye focused on Shinji, who was crying his heart out, clutching her chest for dear life. She softly muttered.

"... How disgusting..."

THE END

A/N:

Okay, first of all, English is NOT my native language, so forgive me for the spelling and grammar errors. Though I don't think those are my biggest problems, I guess style might be a bit off sometimes, and my vocabulary is somewhat limited... 

But anyway, there it is, my very first fanfic ever!! Personally, I don't think I did all that bad for a total noob :) But maybe that's just me... I basically tried putting some instrumentality stuff into context with actual events, plus some ideas that were floating around in my head. 

Stuff like this has most likely been done before, so any similarities this may have to other fics were NOT intended!

Well, R&R, give me some good criticism and try to keep the flames constructive! :)


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